Reginalds Private Training V3

The writhing and convulsing of a young man occurs within the decrepit, ramshackle house on the outskirts of Funkagakure.

Some really freaky shit is going down inside his head, man....like, we're talking things straight out of the center of " Holy Balls...That is pretty damn weird "

erm, continuing on...


BAM! An explosion of bright colors attacks the senses of a young man, sending him into a brief state of euphoria before ending, depositing him back into the reality of a fierce battle being fought by a river. A large but ramshackle group of armed peasants and farmers fight desperately against a seemingly never ending horde....A horde so vile and malevolent, that their ichor like blood stains and scars the ground. One such being steps forth, leading the horde, it being a man like beast of mighty stature. While its body was surely a mans, and a towering one at that, the head of said warrior was....well...it was a friggen cows head. Yes, An army of cow AND chicken people are raging war upon this said rag tag band of humans, slaughtering them with impunity. The young man, whom bears a great resemblance to the sociopath known as Reginald Merrywether, does his best to avoid any conflict and remain unseen. The fighting..the violence, its making his heart race with fear. What...what in the hell was happening!?! what kind of nightmare is this!

The young man then hears the groaning of something massive, a sound who's source soon becomes apparent. A massive whale flies through the sky, headed for the battleground. The animal people and the humans al begin screaming in terror as they try and run into a nearby tree line only for it to disappear, said whale now diving in for the attack. Emitting a final cry, the whale begins making contact, scooping people and animal people into its massive maw. Once done, the whale flies upward in a dead spiral, exploding mere seconds later.

Oddly enough, Monkeys and other assorted simians fly from the aftermath, plummeting toward the ground below.


The young man wipes his eyes in disbelief for a moment, trying to understand what the hell he had just seen. Unfortunately more whales soon became apparent on the horizon, signaling the end...

UNTIL

The young man blinks and suddenly finds himself seated at an extravagant yet small table. IT could seat only four people, one on each of its four sides. Seated directly across from him was a man clad in a trenchcoat, his form also towering over the young man. This man had an enlarged mouth, one large enough to easily devour a human by the look of it. The man looks at the younger man and smiles, revealing whale like teeth while his eyes bulge and nearly shoot out of his head.

" BIGGLES...LIKE...TEA "

The young man goes to respond only for a quack to be heard, his attention turning toward said source only to find a ghastly sight. It....IT was some kind of god damn duck fly monster thing....It had the legs of some sort of animal, the body of a human, a regal black suit, the head of a duck, and the eyes of a fly. It locks eyes with the young man and quacks, promptly lifting up  a small tea cup to its bill which it tilts and allows the contents to spill into its mouth.


The young man eerily looks at the final seat, finding perhaps, the most disturbing thing of all.

Himself

It was clearly him...The hair was greying...the skin paler...the body thinner...but it was still him. His doppelganger dons what is clearly something a doctor would wear, the white coat and everything! No, It was covered in blood..An insane grin plastered on the doppelganger's face. The young man began to speak before being cut off by his doppelganger.

" FUCK MIMES! "

The young man begins to blink in confusion before the tea cups explode, sending everyone sprawling with no damage surprisingly. Out of the fire and smoke comes a swarm of flying creatures...these things are terrible, sporting the maws of beasts and short stubby bodies. Once again, when everything seems lost, the Young man soon finds himself within a new hell. This time, he's in some sort of mud, slowly but surely sinking into its depths. The young man struggles for several moments until seeing his doppelganger off in the distance. At first, it looks like he has some kind of boat or something until he gets closer, revealing the boat to be a body...

The "Other" sits inside of the chest cavity, using the severed left leg as an oar to propel him onward. As he gets closer, The Young Man can hear some of the things the " Other " is saying, struggling to keep his head above the mud all the while.

" DAMMIT QUACKLES...THE SINGULARITY IS COLLAPSING! THE GREGOR EFFECT IS BEING OVERCOME BY THE TRIUMPHANT TANGENTS! "

" ....Quack "

" OF COURSE...DESTABILIZING THE EYE OF THE WORMHOLE COULD SOLVE THE DIVERGENT REALITY PROBLEM! YOUR  GENIUS QUACKLES "

" H-Help! " The young man screams, waving toward the " Other " in an attempt to get saved.

The Other Him looks toward the young man, rowing in his direction now. A moan is heard...then a groan...Soon, bodies begin crawling and erupting from the mud, trying to claw and drag the Young Man into the now hellish slop. Struggling with all his might, the Young Man fights off body after body, their horrified forms striking pure fear into him. Burnt children wail and cling to him, butchered villagers try and drag him down for sins he never committed. Atop all of this, Mimes begin flying out of the mud! Landing then walking upon its surface as it gravity cannot effect them. The mimes start fighting flying chinchillas whilst the whales come back, gracefully dive bombing at a herd of STAMPEDING KOALAS.


Demonic looking phoenixes explode into existence spontaneously as the cow and chicken people begin fighting off an army of MISTER BIGGLES'. All the while, the sky changes colors in a random, explosive form, making the mere sight of it enough to make one trip major balls. Throughout all of this, the Young man manages to just barely stay above the surface, the "boat" and its captain just now reaching him. He grabs ahold of the body and looks up at the Other him that is doing all of the rowing. The young man reaches out weakly, using the last bastions of his strength to stay up. The other him simply looks at him, dumbfounded, before promptly taking the leg and smashing the young man upon the head with it. knocked down, the young man is submerged, his doppelganger using the leg to further submerge him.

" YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK! WOOWOOWOOWOOWOO! " The other yells as he rows off.


Waking up inside of his house, The young man finds himself laying down upon his bed, the covers placed over him save for his head. His mother sits at his bedside, her beautiful black hair, deep blue eyes, and loving face being the first things he sees. He smiles, relief washing over him.

Until...

Fire engulfs the room, the young man unable to move for some reason. The mutilated forms of his parents now stand in the center of the room, engulfed in flames as the young mans doppelganger and his two acquaintances enter the room.

" QUACKLES! YOU GENIUS! ...Mothers never been this SMOKIN before! "

The Doppelganger begins laughing uproariously, Quackles and Biggles both laughing in their own ways as well. The Doppelganger notices the young man and walks toward him, an utterly malign grin fixated upon his face.


" WELL ME...THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE REGINALD!...AND THAT...THATS GONNA BE ME! So...I bid thee farewell. BURN ASSHAT! BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRN! " Reginald roars, Grabbing a lighter that Quackles hands him. Tossing it onto the bed, Reginald watches as he once again kills off any semblance of sanity that tries surfacing.

Waking up in the actual world, Reginald sits up, finding himself laying on a table surrounded by boxes and leftover human intestine earlier. Sliding off the table and onto his feet, Reginald scratches the left cheek on his hind quarters, yawning as he lazily gets dressed. He was going to go find and probably abduct some kid or something. Maybe kill someones dog. He hates dogs.


Stepping outside, Reginald yawns as he walks down the road, slowly beginning to come upon the house he has recently begun to terrorize repeatedly. Reginald begins focusing on a gnat that refuses to LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE. That is...Until Reginald hears the barking of a puppy. His head snaps to the right as fast as he can, seeing the newly reinforced fence, complete with a crude spike lined wire at the top.

Oh hell no

" YOU FENCE REINFORCING BASTARDS! "

" Ha! try and terrorize my family now you bastard! Ive even got a sword over here! Try it and I'll cut your vile head from your neck! "

The Father had truly gone all out this time.

" IM GOING TO KILL THAT PUPPY AND WHEN IM DONE...IM GOING TO MAKE YOU FUCK A DOLPHIN! "

" Big words coming from a lunatic - ...Wait...what? "

" IM GOING TO RAPE YOUR HEAD WITH A BAG OF HAMMERS, YOU FENCERER. "

" What in the hell are you tal - "


" I WILL STAB YOU IN THE EYE HOLES WITH A ROCK "

A moment of pure silence then begins.

" are you still the - "

" IN THE EYE...WITH A SACK OF ROCKS! "

" I...I thought it was one rock? "

" IM GOING TO MOW YOUR LAWN! "

The sound of the father sighing is heard then the slamming of a door, his tolerance for idiocy having reached its apparent limits. Seeing the fight as won, Reginald walks over to the front door, knocking upon it belligerently. Eventually, the families sole son answers the door, his eyes looking up and into Reginalds eyes. The two stare at one another before Reginald speaks.

" LITTLE HUMAN..I....I AM HERE TO RAPE YOUR MOTHER - .....MOW YOUR LAWN..IN THE BACKYARD "

The kid simply stares at Reginald who simply stares back.

" Alright you tiny bastard! Im going to go mow your mom in the backyard! "

Whistling, Reginald skips off toward the backyard, entering the kitchen along the way. Stopping in the Kitchen, Reginald begins rifling through some cabinents while both the mother and father stand off nearby, unaware of Reginald's apparent intrusion. Reginald suddenly performs a stink eye like expression, his face contorting until an extremely loud fart escapes from his bowels.

" Say excuse me, sweety "


The Mother says, thinking it to be her son. Exiting via the backdoor, Reginald finds what he was looking for. THE PUPPY. It excitedly runs around the backyard, chasing its stubby little tail like something out a fairytale!

UNNACEPTABLE

Reginald dives forward, landing face down against the ground whilst his hands ensnare the puppy. All seems lost until Reginald hears a meow...OH FUCK NO.

Turning around, Reginald finds the cat from his previous visit, the two of them locking eyes promptly. It was sitting on the ground a few feet away, licking its left paw.

Damn! he was surrounded on all sides! The enemy had him flanked....That is, Until Reginald noticed a new shovel nearby.

The telltale noise of a shovel smacking something IN THE FACE is heard, followed by the maniacal laughter of Reginald. The Mother and Father look at one another, terror finding itself upon their faces as they race outside. They find the pets nailed to the fence via the shovel, Reginald performing some sort of tribal dance inside of a bush right next to the horrific site.

" WOP....WOP....WOP....WHOOSH....WOP...WOP...WOP...WHOOSH....homina-BANG! "


The Father and Mother have their jaws dropped, the three all making eye contact. Reginald steps out of the bushes revealing his trousers to be missing...leaving him wearing nothing save for a shirt and white doctors coat. The father takes his katana and begins to chase Reginald, the two running around the yard, Reginald laughing as they go.

" HA! HA! I * he ducks a horizontal swipe from the weapon * - GOT YOUR DOG AGAIN! "

" IM GOING TO KILL YOU! "


Running inside, Reginald proceeds to streak the two children before booking it out of the house, running off and out of the village with the Father in tow.

" HA! I JUST SCARRED YOUR KIDS, BITCH! "

Reginald says as the two approach a small ravine. At its thinnest section, one could leap across assuming they have a hell of a head start, something they both have...

Leaping, Reginald soars through the air, flapping his arms while squawking like some sort of demented avian fiend. The father stops, unsure on wither or not he'd make it.  He looks at Reginald who turns around after landing, the bastard now doing the moonwalk while chanting " Raped ".

This is enough to goad the father into action, the man turning and going back about twenty or so feet before going into a dead sprint. His legs ache and he's winded but he wills himself onward, hurtling himself over the ledge with fury!

He shouldn't have stopped.

realizing he isn't going to make it, The man tosses his katana and attempts to grab the ledge, only managing to just barely grab a vine a foot or two below the actual ledge. It shudders under his weight and slightly moves, indicating time is rapidly growing shorter. His life flashes before his eyes as tears begin to well up within his eyes, the blade of the katana slowly coming into view. IT wasn't moving fast enough to strike...was the psycho helping him? Could he actually make it back to his family!? All he would have to do is climb up several feet, reach the top of the vine then grab the blade! together they could get out of here -


why was the blade beginning to saw the vine in two....

Looking up, the man sees Reginald cutting away at the vine wide eyed.

" QUACKLES SAYS YOU MUST MEET THE WIZARD AT THE BOTTOM OF THE RAVINE. WHAT QUACKLES SAYS, GOES. DOING WHAT QUACKLES SAYS MAKES QUACKLES HAPPY. I LIKE QUACKLES WHEN HE IS HAPPY. "

" PLEASE! D-DONT DO THIS! ITS MY SONS BIRTHDAY TODAY! "


" QUACKLES SAYS, QUACKLES SAYS, QUACKLES SAYS, QUACKLES SAYS " Reginald continues to chant until the vine is cut, sending the Father to his death. Reginald promptly stands up, popping a salute to no one before heading back to the village.

Reginald Knocks on the door to the families home, the son opening the door once again. Reginald looks at him and he looks right at Reginald, silence between the both of them for well over a minute.

Just as the sister and mother enter the room, Reginald grins and speaks, tossing the katana into the middle of the room from his spot at the doorway.

" Whats dead and at the bottom of a ravine? YOUR DAD! " Snickering, Reginald turns tail and runs home, skipping and howling with laughter as he goes.

It was an amazing day.

 [ 2534 words ]

Approved, 12 stats, 25JP. Truly an amazing day.